I am Legend – A confusing trip to Quiznos

I Am Legend is very similar to ordering a Quiznos sandwich. Sometimes the anticipation of going to Quiznos is as good as the actual sub. The intro to Legend is exactly like this. Desolate slices of bread are soon joined slowly with honey mustard, tomato, turkey, cheese. The sandwich, in this case the movie, are starting to form and at this point it looks like exactly what you wanted. Then as the action heats up and the bread becomes toasted, all the ingredients are melting together beautifully. You wait, wait, and wait as the sub nears its conveyer belt heat up. Then the sandwich is pulled out from the rolling oven, and a slight twist in the form of guacamole is added without you asking for it. But, at this point you don’t care enough to say anything because honestly, guacamole, or zombies as the case may be, isn’t a bad change of pace.
The trouble is that you’ve become so hungry from the start, thanks to the anticipation, that suddenly you’ve finished your sandwich is done just like that. I Am Legend does exactly the same. It develops nice and slowly but then is done and finished awfully quick.
The end.

Juno - Western Omellette

Just a few days into this movie-meal experiment, a pattern already seems to be emerging. Food and movies, it turns out, do have quite a bit in common. The main thing is that they are a mixture of different ingredients, different textures, flavors, colors, tastes. The trick is to combine all the familiarity in a way that seems totally new.

In that way, Juno is a refreshing take on the oldest story in the world. A young girl gets pregnant before she's ready. We've seen it before - but never like this. It's as refreshing as the kind of omelette you'd get at a really nice restaurant, made to order by a guy in a top hat at the buffet. That chef in the case of Juno would be Jason Reitman, 30 year old wunderkid who also helmed the excellent Thank You For Smoking. But Juno is more touching, more affectionate, more in love with it's own characters and world. This movie too is a mixture, unlike the others we've reviewed here, there is a mixture less good and bad - not one scene in this film lacks a delicious mix of comedy and heart. It's mostly a mix of different actors, each one nestled in the fluffy egg batter of the plot. The warm and juicy ham of JK Simmons as Juno's father and the alternating spice and sweet cheddar cheese of Allison Janney as Juno's step mom, both of whom deliver standout scenes that are very powerful in very different ways. The jittery earnestness of Michael Cera as the father-to-be, the adopting parents Jason Bateman and Jennifer Gardner; they're all mixed in, each complementing one another even if they share virtually no scenes together. And they are all held in place by only the flimsiest of plotlines, and the wonderfully talented new young actress Ellen Page, the ironclad frying pan upon which the whole thing is put together. It's an incredible movie, surely one of the best of the year, a film to savor every perfect moment of.

The Simpsons Movie - Jelly Donut

If The Simpsons television show was a box of assorted donuts, Seasons 1-3 would be the donut holes - tasty enough, but slight. Everything between Season 4 and Season 10 is delicious, warmly glazed, chocolate sprinkled and fillingly hilarious. Then it takes a turn. Season 10 and on is all crullers, stale bearclaw, and low fat muffins. The Simpsons Movie, on the other hand, is the lone jelly in the box. It's funny enough to make us nostalgic for the good ol' days, but stops just short of a masterpiece - which is enough to remind us about the subpar pastries we've been handed since 2002 or so. It's interesting that The Simpsons head chefs didn't aim for anything more than just a longer episode - much of the themes and conflicts in the movie are similiar to just about every episode ever. But there's no denying it - its just plain funny, especially in the delicious first act. The jelly center gets a little overpowering in the middle, as the chefs stretch for epic action scenes which make your fingers all sticky and drip on your shirt. But for any Simpsons fan who'd rather watch a classic repeat for the 3958259th time instead of a mediocre (at best) new episode - order up some coffee and a dozen of these.

Spider Man 3 - Hometown Buffet

You’ve tried the best, now try the rest!
In years past you’ve been treated to the delights of an epic buffet for the prior two Easter Sundays. Shrimp cocktail, lamb, fresh omelettes etc. And there’s dessert! Don’t forget dessert. The sweetness of the Spider-Man series comes in the form of Peter Parker balancing day and night job and relationships with his high school crush, MJ, and sweet old aunt whom always warns of late Uncle Ben’s advice: With great power comes great responsibility. It’s an adage the makers of Spidey 3 didn’t take to heart.
You can certainly have too much of a good thing. Denny’s knows perfectly well, but so too does its slightly retarded cousin, The Hometown Buffet.
When it came around for a third installment of going to the buffet, writers Turi Meyer and Al Septien believe, “Hey, if we put even more stuff out, it HAS to be better!”
They could not have been more wrong. Because the buffet trip was planned at the last minute, we were stuck with Hometown Buffet instead of the classy joint we went to the last two times. Sure it has similar buffet qualities, in that it’s all you can eat. But the difference is that this time, quantity is better than quality.
With the best villain of the comic book at their disposal, Venom, the makers of the 3rd installment decided one wasn’t enough.
“Let’s add the sandman! Then, let’s add more of the Gobblin! But first he should get hurt, then he should forget he was evil and help spidey, but not after Parker and Osborn have more squabbles before finally needing to come together again! Then we can have a 2-on-2 cage match battle royale.
So to make room for the sandman, they made less juicy meat (Venom was on screen for 10 minutes maybe?) But to make us feel sorry for the patheitc Sandman, director Sam Raimi made sure to show a locket of Sandman’s daughter at least 6 times per half hour.
What we get in the end is a buffet mixed with a lot of bad food (a chair-dancing emo-haircut Peter Parker) with not enough of the good stuff and too much burnt everything else.
Like any trip to Hometown Buffet, the affair ended (finally) with the collective audience clamoring for Pepto Bismol.

The Departed - Chicken Wings at Your Favorite Bar

Boneloads of greasy meat slathered in a fiery hot sauce - not what you'd expect to be the Best Picture of 2006. But here it is, in all of it's grimy glory - a bloody romp through the streets of Boston, as two rats try to sniff each other out. Leo DiCaprio, doing some of his best work ever, is especially good as the good undercover cop working with the mob mastermind Jack Nicholson, operating here in Atomic Hot Sauce mode. Jack has his own mole, too - in Matt Damon, who, in comparison to the rest of the salty cast has been unfortunately dipped in some flavorless ranch dressing. Thankfully, the rest of the manly men - including a piping hot Alec Baldwin, and ferocious Mark Wahlberg, pick up the slack. Peppered with gruesome violence and nonstop profanity performed to perfection by the professionally profane, and served on a thick plate of a good soundtrack, award winning director Martin Scorsese serves the crime genre with his own special brand of eclectic badass Tabasco, leaving you surprised at how much it surprises you. And it don't come with celery.

Transformers - A night at the Olive Garden

Tired of indie stuff infiltrating your republican dominated town? Escape the coziness and uniqueness of independent think-tanks and venture into this blockbuster establishment of Olive Garden (Transformers) and order the Tour of Italy, alfredo, lasagna, and chicken-parm for $15.95.
Head chef Michael Bay knows exactly what’ll make you (average American) happy: a cheesy mix of poor script:
“Hey, remember home? Yeah, I miss home…”
But also will include the eye-popping gadgetry (the salad tossing scissors) of badass effects, which are actually a treat.
Beware: it may take you an hour to get seated for this blockbuster affair. But once you do sit down it’s an unlimited helping of salad, breadsticks, and too much comedy (Optimus Prime hides from parents?). While it makes you feel like a bastard for falling for all the commercialism, you will indeed leave content, if not feeling even a little bloated.

Little Miss Sunshine - Mom's Lasanga

A warm, carefully crafted dish filled from top to bottom with familiar ingredients that become some how zestier when sprinkled with a dash of satire, this surprise Best Picture Nominee benefits greatly from the hard work of its incredible cast. It's no wonder the film was in the oven for five years - the Hoover family, on paper, must seem woefully uninteresting and unlikable, like a faded recipe in a dusty cookbook. And yet the sincere craft of both directors (Valerie Faris and Jonathon Dayton) has concocted quite a sublime cast, from the delicious Abigail Breslin, to the thick and dark Paul Dano, to the crispy Greg Kinnear to the sweet but strong Toni Collette and finally the Academy Award winning crust of Alan Arkin. It's the sort of meal you can eat again and again and still enjoy the little flavorful idiosyncrasies, thanks in part to the alternating layers of meaty comedy and warm ricotta drama, each layer seperated by a warm, flat noodle of deft acting. Just like Mom used to make.