I am Legend – A confusing trip to Quiznos

I Am Legend is very similar to ordering a Quiznos sandwich. Sometimes the anticipation of going to Quiznos is as good as the actual sub. The intro to Legend is exactly like this. Desolate slices of bread are soon joined slowly with honey mustard, tomato, turkey, cheese. The sandwich, in this case the movie, are starting to form and at this point it looks like exactly what you wanted. Then as the action heats up and the bread becomes toasted, all the ingredients are melting together beautifully. You wait, wait, and wait as the sub nears its conveyer belt heat up. Then the sandwich is pulled out from the rolling oven, and a slight twist in the form of guacamole is added without you asking for it. But, at this point you don’t care enough to say anything because honestly, guacamole, or zombies as the case may be, isn’t a bad change of pace.
The trouble is that you’ve become so hungry from the start, thanks to the anticipation, that suddenly you’ve finished your sandwich is done just like that. I Am Legend does exactly the same. It develops nice and slowly but then is done and finished awfully quick.
The end.

Juno - Western Omellette

Just a few days into this movie-meal experiment, a pattern already seems to be emerging. Food and movies, it turns out, do have quite a bit in common. The main thing is that they are a mixture of different ingredients, different textures, flavors, colors, tastes. The trick is to combine all the familiarity in a way that seems totally new.

In that way, Juno is a refreshing take on the oldest story in the world. A young girl gets pregnant before she's ready. We've seen it before - but never like this. It's as refreshing as the kind of omelette you'd get at a really nice restaurant, made to order by a guy in a top hat at the buffet. That chef in the case of Juno would be Jason Reitman, 30 year old wunderkid who also helmed the excellent Thank You For Smoking. But Juno is more touching, more affectionate, more in love with it's own characters and world. This movie too is a mixture, unlike the others we've reviewed here, there is a mixture less good and bad - not one scene in this film lacks a delicious mix of comedy and heart. It's mostly a mix of different actors, each one nestled in the fluffy egg batter of the plot. The warm and juicy ham of JK Simmons as Juno's father and the alternating spice and sweet cheddar cheese of Allison Janney as Juno's step mom, both of whom deliver standout scenes that are very powerful in very different ways. The jittery earnestness of Michael Cera as the father-to-be, the adopting parents Jason Bateman and Jennifer Gardner; they're all mixed in, each complementing one another even if they share virtually no scenes together. And they are all held in place by only the flimsiest of plotlines, and the wonderfully talented new young actress Ellen Page, the ironclad frying pan upon which the whole thing is put together. It's an incredible movie, surely one of the best of the year, a film to savor every perfect moment of.

The Simpsons Movie - Jelly Donut

If The Simpsons television show was a box of assorted donuts, Seasons 1-3 would be the donut holes - tasty enough, but slight. Everything between Season 4 and Season 10 is delicious, warmly glazed, chocolate sprinkled and fillingly hilarious. Then it takes a turn. Season 10 and on is all crullers, stale bearclaw, and low fat muffins. The Simpsons Movie, on the other hand, is the lone jelly in the box. It's funny enough to make us nostalgic for the good ol' days, but stops just short of a masterpiece - which is enough to remind us about the subpar pastries we've been handed since 2002 or so. It's interesting that The Simpsons head chefs didn't aim for anything more than just a longer episode - much of the themes and conflicts in the movie are similiar to just about every episode ever. But there's no denying it - its just plain funny, especially in the delicious first act. The jelly center gets a little overpowering in the middle, as the chefs stretch for epic action scenes which make your fingers all sticky and drip on your shirt. But for any Simpsons fan who'd rather watch a classic repeat for the 3958259th time instead of a mediocre (at best) new episode - order up some coffee and a dozen of these.

Spider Man 3 - Hometown Buffet

You’ve tried the best, now try the rest!
In years past you’ve been treated to the delights of an epic buffet for the prior two Easter Sundays. Shrimp cocktail, lamb, fresh omelettes etc. And there’s dessert! Don’t forget dessert. The sweetness of the Spider-Man series comes in the form of Peter Parker balancing day and night job and relationships with his high school crush, MJ, and sweet old aunt whom always warns of late Uncle Ben’s advice: With great power comes great responsibility. It’s an adage the makers of Spidey 3 didn’t take to heart.
You can certainly have too much of a good thing. Denny’s knows perfectly well, but so too does its slightly retarded cousin, The Hometown Buffet.
When it came around for a third installment of going to the buffet, writers Turi Meyer and Al Septien believe, “Hey, if we put even more stuff out, it HAS to be better!”
They could not have been more wrong. Because the buffet trip was planned at the last minute, we were stuck with Hometown Buffet instead of the classy joint we went to the last two times. Sure it has similar buffet qualities, in that it’s all you can eat. But the difference is that this time, quantity is better than quality.
With the best villain of the comic book at their disposal, Venom, the makers of the 3rd installment decided one wasn’t enough.
“Let’s add the sandman! Then, let’s add more of the Gobblin! But first he should get hurt, then he should forget he was evil and help spidey, but not after Parker and Osborn have more squabbles before finally needing to come together again! Then we can have a 2-on-2 cage match battle royale.
So to make room for the sandman, they made less juicy meat (Venom was on screen for 10 minutes maybe?) But to make us feel sorry for the patheitc Sandman, director Sam Raimi made sure to show a locket of Sandman’s daughter at least 6 times per half hour.
What we get in the end is a buffet mixed with a lot of bad food (a chair-dancing emo-haircut Peter Parker) with not enough of the good stuff and too much burnt everything else.
Like any trip to Hometown Buffet, the affair ended (finally) with the collective audience clamoring for Pepto Bismol.

The Departed - Chicken Wings at Your Favorite Bar

Boneloads of greasy meat slathered in a fiery hot sauce - not what you'd expect to be the Best Picture of 2006. But here it is, in all of it's grimy glory - a bloody romp through the streets of Boston, as two rats try to sniff each other out. Leo DiCaprio, doing some of his best work ever, is especially good as the good undercover cop working with the mob mastermind Jack Nicholson, operating here in Atomic Hot Sauce mode. Jack has his own mole, too - in Matt Damon, who, in comparison to the rest of the salty cast has been unfortunately dipped in some flavorless ranch dressing. Thankfully, the rest of the manly men - including a piping hot Alec Baldwin, and ferocious Mark Wahlberg, pick up the slack. Peppered with gruesome violence and nonstop profanity performed to perfection by the professionally profane, and served on a thick plate of a good soundtrack, award winning director Martin Scorsese serves the crime genre with his own special brand of eclectic badass Tabasco, leaving you surprised at how much it surprises you. And it don't come with celery.

Transformers - A night at the Olive Garden

Tired of indie stuff infiltrating your republican dominated town? Escape the coziness and uniqueness of independent think-tanks and venture into this blockbuster establishment of Olive Garden (Transformers) and order the Tour of Italy, alfredo, lasagna, and chicken-parm for $15.95.
Head chef Michael Bay knows exactly what’ll make you (average American) happy: a cheesy mix of poor script:
“Hey, remember home? Yeah, I miss home…”
But also will include the eye-popping gadgetry (the salad tossing scissors) of badass effects, which are actually a treat.
Beware: it may take you an hour to get seated for this blockbuster affair. But once you do sit down it’s an unlimited helping of salad, breadsticks, and too much comedy (Optimus Prime hides from parents?). While it makes you feel like a bastard for falling for all the commercialism, you will indeed leave content, if not feeling even a little bloated.

Little Miss Sunshine - Mom's Lasanga

A warm, carefully crafted dish filled from top to bottom with familiar ingredients that become some how zestier when sprinkled with a dash of satire, this surprise Best Picture Nominee benefits greatly from the hard work of its incredible cast. It's no wonder the film was in the oven for five years - the Hoover family, on paper, must seem woefully uninteresting and unlikable, like a faded recipe in a dusty cookbook. And yet the sincere craft of both directors (Valerie Faris and Jonathon Dayton) has concocted quite a sublime cast, from the delicious Abigail Breslin, to the thick and dark Paul Dano, to the crispy Greg Kinnear to the sweet but strong Toni Collette and finally the Academy Award winning crust of Alan Arkin. It's the sort of meal you can eat again and again and still enjoy the little flavorful idiosyncrasies, thanks in part to the alternating layers of meaty comedy and warm ricotta drama, each layer seperated by a warm, flat noodle of deft acting. Just like Mom used to make.

Across the Universe - IHOP's Lumberjack Breakfast

Chock full of classics Beatles songs as familiar as a melty butter pat, this energetic new musical is deliciously overstuffed. You've got your eggs, in fun numbers like "With A Little Help From My Friends" and "Revolution" and one hell of a closing song; You've got your pancakes, in some stunning visuals and choreography, and you've got your bacon in appealing but not quite excellent actors. But also, since this is the lumberjack special, you get waffles, sausage, hashbrowns, and a fruit cup. By the time we get through with the pancakes, we have to slog through the grits of a back to back Trip Out Fest in the form of Bono singing "I Am The Walrus" and Eddie Izzard singing "The Benefit Of Mr Kite" - who exactly was asking for that? There's way too much to be digested easily, and let's face it, a 60's Beatle musical isn't that easy to swallow to begin with. Is there too much of a good thing? Certainly, at The International House of Pancakes, and almost certainly in Across the Universe. The whole thing sags in the middle, but luckily springs back to life, thanks to the downright inspirational final song. Director Julie Taymor pours big buttery syrup all over the place, and some of it is sweet enough, but unfortunately, her eyes were bigger than her stomach.

No Country For Old Men - Great Dinner with a Bad Dessert

No Country for Old Men had a chance to be a special dinner. everything about it was perfect, the lighting, the ambiance, the mood, and even the service. The meal was like something we had not had in a very long time. It was something we had seen before (Fargo) but it was presented differently. With a few surprise ingredients and a random death, we switched (main characters) flavors but it was still way above decent. When the waiter finally asked us for dessert we all were clamoring for the final piece of this masterful dinner. But that's when the shitake mushrooms hit the fan.
The dessert was a chocolate souffle in theory, but it took way too long to come out (i guess that's why you order souffle when you're ordering your main course). But even when it finally did get to our table, it wasn't very good.
The chef's dessert had left all of us wanting more. The souffle was a fine idea, but it tasted bitter and awful. If we could have sent it back we would have. In this case a simple Hershey's Bar would have been sufficient enough.

Pirates of the Carribean Triology - Shish Kebob

When the world first heard about Disney's plans to turn one of its most beloved non-racist theme park rides to the big screen, the viewing public answered with a resounding shrug. In theory this meal has got nothing to it. Just some meat and some vegetables thrown haphazardly together. Let's take Johnny Depp and make him a pirate. Why not? Yet the first bite is suprisingly succulent, a flavorful mix of gallows humor, an intricate story and surprisingly violent action. The next two are more skewered and difficult to remove from their metallic spine of a overly complicated plot. What was interesting and complex in the first movie becomes hopelessly convoluted in the follow ups, especially the dismally dark roasted pepper of Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest. However, the series finds itself back on the grill with Pirates of the Carribean 3, At Worlds End. At it's best, it tastes like part one - at it's worst, it tastes like part two. Some viewers may even wish to eat the first bite, unskewer the second, and go straight to the third. Be warned, however. The relentlessly loud action and repetitive nature of the trilogy lends itself to skewer induced headache. Do not try to devour this one in a quick gulp.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of The Jedi - Banana Cream Pie

Is there a more debatable film than the Return of the Jedi? Sure, it fits the mold of a Star Wars movie, it's fun, flashy, great special effects and thrilling set pieces. But it gets a lot of thing wrong, too. It is the bastard child of A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back. If we assume that, for this example only, those films are respectively Blueberry and Apple Pie, then truly Return of the Jedi is Banana Cream. Sure, it's a pie, technically - but it doesn't have the weight, texture, or flavor that the other two did. That being said, it is a sweet dessert ending to the most successful motion picture franchise in history. Highlights include the flaky crust of Admiral Ackbar, the creamy, creepy Emperor, and the satisfied feeling you get every time you put down the fork, unbutton your pants, and John Williams whips out his acoustic version of the Imperial march just as Darth Vader fades away into cinematic history. Lowlights include Ewok after Ewok after Ewok, and the watering down of Han Solo, a once potent and volatile character, chopped into bland bits of comic relief. While not quite the pastry we might deserve, and though there may be some grumblings from the die-hard fans, Jedi remains an enjoyable treat nonetheless.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back - Beef Stew

Like beef stew, Empire Strikes Back has a little bit of everything. Head chef Irvin Kershner adds the emotional ingredients of romance, comedy, and betrayal, etc., and has them cooking for 124 minutes in this crock pot of emotions that leaves us wanting so much more, but like all stew's, leaves us undeniably stuffed. On a cold day in Hoth, what could be better than this dark and murky (Dagobah) concoction? The answer is nothing.
There are moments of this meal that are so memorable. "I am your father," is one of the highlights, not just of Empire, but in cinematic history. A dash of comedy in the form of C-3PO's annoyance of Han Solo serves to cleanse the palette of too much romance and drama, yet is tastefully not overdone.
The main ingredient of hunky man beef made with love is supplied by Han Solo and his romance with Princess Leia. The overly cocky and lost Luke Skywalker is the part of the stew that gives it bite and the oregano of comedy is supplied by the two-man Greek chorus of C-3PO and R2-D2. Yet the entire pot is stirred with the lightsaber of Darth Vader.
In turn, this thick and meaty stew is blissfully tasteful and is the crowning achievement of the six movies. With all it's emotion, you get the feeling that if you said, "I love Empire Srikes Back the best," the movie would answer back, "...I know."

Star Wars (Episode 4: A New Hope) - Classic Hamburger

The summer blockbuster, the all American party food for the whole family. Truly, all of us, except for women and vegetarians, can enjoy the original Star Wars, which created an empire and revolutionized the way we watch the movies, both by pioneering technology as well as unintentionally spewing forth knock offs and imitations too plentiful to count. Revisiting this simple, largely homemade classic fills you up right and brings you back home. Watch how difficult it is for Han Solo to blast one Tie Fighter, regardless of how many thousands get blown away in seconds in Episode One. Savor the heartache inherent in the sunset scene on Tatooine. Start with the actors - a spicy Carrie Fisher pickle and the sweet tang of a few squirts of Harrison Ford mustard and a sprinkling of cheerfully bland Mark Hamill lettuce. Then add the rich bun goodness of still-impressive special effects, but what this original really has is good old fashioned meaty storytelling. The orphan and his ragtag team storm the castle and rescue the princess from the evil wizard. It's film and cooking at their simplest - and best.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith - Steak. Only it's from Outback Steakhouse.

With a bad taste in our collective mouthes from the prior two piss-poor meals consisting of a lot of pretty colors, killing sand people, and awful acting, we all hoped the payoff would be Episode III. Well, minus the sand people killing, two of the bad ingredients returned, but this time in a much spicier and meatier PG-13 sexcapade, okay, no actual sex, but we got what we were looking for. It was an eclectic mix of Anakin's demise into Darth Vader as well as a dash of darkness and a hint of sadness in the form of Padme's death. The greatest treat was seeing Vader's helmet being put on for the first time in a wonderfully crafted scene.
Ignoring the video game CGI, the movie returns us to the near perfection the original 4th, 5th, and 6th dishes. Perhaps this is the most well-done of the films in the sense that it's the darkest (there's no pink showing), but to say that it is as flavorful as the A New Hope or Empire Stikes Back is wrong. It could be on the same menu as Return of the Jedi though. But with a PG-13 rating it's not on the children's menu anymore.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones - Lucky Charms

Bogged down with soggy milk, and yet peppered with the occasional badass Red Balloon or Green Shamrock, this somewhat edible entry in the Star Wars saga serves as a chilly snack but next to nothing more. Tasty marshmallow bits include Samuel L Jackson as a beheading Jedi, the first rain fight in the Star Wars six-ology, and Magical Lord of the Dance Fighting Yoda. Unfortunately some sour, milky dialog and the occasional clunker (R2D2 can fly?) spoils what could have been part of your complete Star Wars breakfast.

Starwars Episode I: The Phantom Menace - Overpriced Pizza

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace achieved a restaurant's worst qualities: being overpriced and having decor that looks cool, but the food sucks. Sure the Phantom Menace was pretty to look at, just like the inside of any 'California Pizza Kitchen.'
But when you break it down, it's just pizza. It doesn't need to be fancy. And sadly, something like Sbarro (Mars Attacks) which is in the same genre, ends up tasting better even though it has no right doing so.

Jaws - Lobster Roll

A crunchy, zesty mix of adventure, scares and heart. Supported by a toasted warm and lightly buttered bun of a solid script and above average acting, with chunks of delectable set pieces throughout and lightly drizzled in Spielberg's wistful direction. Without the other two, each ingredient would be worthless. Murray Hamilton's trembling in the hospital, the simple thrills of the man versus yellow buoys versus shark, and Quint's powerful telling of the U.S.S. Indianapolis. Brings you back to summer every time.

Aloha

So, we heard this new InterTubes thing was really going to take off, so we bought tons of stock and started a 'blog. Enjoy!